Lately, with everything that has been going on in my crazy life, I have looked back at where I began. When exactly at what point did I become the person I am? How did I stray from my dreams of going to college and becoming a journalist and seeing the world? Well I know how that happened and the events that lead to it, because it made me who I am today.
As you may have read, I have been dealing with a lot of things lately when it comes to family but there are other personal issues that have come to light and it has really made me look at my life and how I have gotten here. I have gone back in trying to remember things and read my diary from my teenage self. Yes I was a sap and kept one and sadly still have it. But in ways it has helped with a lot. There are so many times I wish I could just take a magic wand and go back and stop myself from the silly things I did. "Don't date that guy, try harder with that one, for god sakes don't go threw that door" so to speak things. But I blocked out a lot of my life from then because of painful events that happened. That's where the learned began.
As I read I could see the ripple effect happening. Where the dreams ended and the new ripples began. Would I be the person I am today if I had made different choices, maybe not. Would I have what I have now, maybe not. Would things be different with some of the people I was with, if I had the strength I have now, they would be. But then that would have affected their ripples in their life. Last year one of my ripples came back into my life and talked about how if I had never broken up with him, his life would have been different. But I reminded him , he wouldn't have what he had today, which was his beautiful daughter. I can't help but think when I have spoken to him that he blames me for how his life turned out. Then just recently another one came back and thank me for being in a really hard part of his life. How by me just being there at that time meant a lot to him.
We make mistakes we make for a reason, so that they can make us who we are. We are going to lose some of those dreams along the way, but if they are really meant to happen, they still will in other way. I may not live in NY or have seen the world, but I have seen China and been to a few other places that the teenage me never would have thought of. I am still a writer, when this book gets published, that will be my proof, and I am a lot stronger then I give myself credit for. And the other thing I have noticed, that really, if people are meant to be in your life in some way, they do come back to you and the relationship can be stronger because your ripples went other directions, but came back wiser.
Peace, Love, Hope~JC