Friday, May 4, 2012
Interesting title don't you think? Lately I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. Family issues and such have made it almost imposable to pull myself out of this depression that is setting in. Writing right now is almost non existent because I can't concentrate to even focus on it and when I do, it comes out dark and forced. I use to be so good at hiding everything and not letting people see just how bad things really were. Lately I'm not so good at it. I realize that alot of us do just that. We hide behind blank smiles only to hide the real pain and unhappiness we feel inside.
For me, I feel lost. I wont go into why or what is really going on, just that I'm lost and no matter how many of my friends rally to my side, I feel alone. See I have always been the strong one. Everyone relies on me when things get bad. I seem to get people through when a things happen, that now the strength I though I had, is now lost with me. And the one person I thought I could rely on to be my strength can't be. I'm not sure if its because this person doesn't want to or that they need me to just do it myself or doesn't know how to, but they just are not really there.
I have come to question who I am now and how have I been that strong person when, at night, when the house is quiet, I cry myself to sleep just wishing things were different. I realize that in my stories, the passion and emotion I put forth is what I'm searching for.
Now I'm at that crossroad. Do I continue and take the path that is so easy to just lock away everything and let these feelings stay hidden, or do I finally face them and take the road off the beaten trail and try to see if someone will listen to me with out laughing at my mear suggestion of what I need. I have been laughed at so much when I say how I feel because no one really thinks that I'm serious. That I seem to have it all together so why all the sudden am I even suggesting I want a little more.
There is a song that Michael Buble sings called "Lost". I listen to that song over an over and wish someone would tell me, I'm not lost. Right now, I think, I really need to try and find my way.
Peace, Love & Happiness~JC